Self-Hatred: The Hidden Pandemic
For the last few years, it has been heartening to see the increased attention that has been brought to mental health issues. Depression and anxiety in particular have been two mental health conditions that have received widespread coverage over the last decade or so, in a movement that has no doubt saved lives. There has been a particular push-back over the last two to three years against the “man up” culture amongst men, with the pressure to look stoic and ‘masculine’ to your friends being challenged by mental health advocates and charities around the world.
This work shouldn’t stop. Indeed, in a time as mentally draining as 2020, it is more important than ever that we encourage those who are struggling to open up, to talk about their feelings and realise that they are not alone, no matter how locked down they are. Depression is a killer and it must continue to be fought.
However, there is another mental issue that nobody talks about, despite the fact that it constantly resides in plain sight. You see it everywhere, particularly in Internet memes where it is normally passed off as a joke. Jokes or not, the popularity of these memes shows that they resonate with thousands, possibly millions of people around the world, and as much as everyone appears to be laughing, it’s not something that should be taken lightly. This issue is one of self-hatred.
Though the two are often intertwined, self-hatred and depression are different beasts. Whilst depression can make you feel low, the reasons behind that can be varied, or even unknown. Self-hatred, on the other hand, is much more personal. You’re not down because of politics, or because of COVID, or because of unemployment. You’re down because you can’t stand your own existence and that is a totally different ball game.
It can take aim at anything. One survey I conducted showed that 87% of participants hated their own physical appearance and 66% felt that they hadn’t achieved enough with their life. Furthermore, over half of the participants took aim at their personality (56%), a frightening statistic when you consider that those people are hating who they literally are, and 26% felt that they lack enough intelligence.
Self-hatred can clearly take many forms, but the dominant feature from these results is that of how they physically look, so let’s examine this first. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the biggest percentage of those who struggled with their appearance came from the youngest age category, with 90% of people from that age category stating that they disliked their looks at least occasionally. Moreover, 65% of these people stated that photo-based social media app Instagram plays a large part in fuelling their lack of self-esteem.
What was slightly more surprising was the ratios between men and women in this section. The split of men/women of who disliked their looks was a dead even 50/50 and moreover, it was only a 5/ 6 ratio split in favour of women for Instagram issues. Though the popular narrative is that young women in particular suffer from issues with their physical appearance due to social media, this survey showed that young men also suffer from it to an almost identical degree. In this age of filters, photoshop and Tinder, looking “good” has become one of the most important facets of young people’s lives and the pressure that comes with this is clearly harming their mental health. We need to spread the word out that, whatever you look like, it’s okay, and that no-one actually hates your face, other than you. We don’t need to look like every influencer or model, especially given that those who do have millions of followers and look pristine every time, almost certainly have professional make-up and photoshop artists working on their appearance every single day.
But let’s move past our looks. As important as it is that we ensure that young people in particular find some self-confidence, there’s also a deeper, more societal issue at hand. This is evidenced by the fact that two-thirds of the respondents said they are unhappy with their supposed progress in life, with one participant saying that “the typical engagement posts or new job posts make me feel like I’ve achieved nothing”, in reference to celebratory social media posts from friends.
Indeed, social media appears to be a huge factor in self-loathing regardless of where people are taking aim. Overall, 75% of the participants said that social media plays a part in their self-hatred at least “sometimes”, indicating that it is seeing the posts of others that triggers their feelings. Or, to be more precise, it is the internal comparison they are making in regard to themselves and the poster that is bringing them down.
And there we find the meat of the problem: comparison.
Let’s dissect that quote from earlier. Upon finding out that their friend had become engaged or successfully landed a new job, the participant could not bring themselves to be happy for their friend. Instead, they could only think about the fact that they were now “behind”, and that because their friend was “further ahead” in life than they were, they were therefore a failure. But why is this? Is it because they are selfish and would prefer it if their friends weren’t leading successful lives? Or is it more down to the way we are raised in a society that normalises nuclear families and financial/social statuses to such an extent that without either of these things, we feel worthless?
I had first-hand experience of this just recently. A friend of mine took to Facebook to announce that he and his partner were expecting a baby. Was I happy for him? Of course — but I couldn’t help but think about my own life in comparison. I’m writing this article from my childhood bedroom, the same four walls I’ve lived in for 24 years. I’m single, jobless, and struggling. Comparing my own life to his in the wake of this announcement makes me feel like I’ve failed — and that it’s my fault, ergo, self-loathing.
The advent of social media meant that everyone could broadcast their lives. Without even realising it, this made us competitive. Suddenly, we could see how everyone was progressing, allowing us to form comparisons with each other. Furthermore, the goalposts are set out to us as children. Grow up, get a job, get married, have a family, retire, die. According to our system, those are the milestones.
What this leads to is a race that we’re all unwittingly taking part in. If someone beats us to a milestone, we take it personally and think we’ve fallen behind, or outright failed. Seeing someone announce an engagement when you’re single can be tough. Seeing someone get the keys to a new home whilst you’re still living with your parents can be tough. Seeing someone receive a promotion at work whilst you’re on Universal Credit and desperately applying for jobs every day can be tough.
It’s tough because our lives are supposedly mapped out for us before we’ve even turned 18. There is one way to live and contribute to society and if you don’t comply, you are a failure. That is the mindset that is instilled into us as we attend school and have our minds moulded into this way of life. It has been that way for decades but it is the advent of social media, and the new ability to immediately compare yourself to literally everyone else you know, that has really taken its toll on how people look at themselves. If we’re not careful, the people of this generation are going to see Facebook posts in fifty years saying that their friends have died and just think “damn, they beat me to it.”
So, what can we do about it? It’s certainly not a quick fix; social media will never go away and we can’t immediately change the entirety of society either. However, we can certainly take steps in aid of future generations, for example by adding mental health to the curriculum and teaching children about it, as well as how social media can affect it. Furthermore, we should start to tell children that never getting married is okay, that being a freelancer outside of the regular job pattern is okay, that you can lead a life in a thousand different ways but that none of them will make you any less of a person.
Incremental changes to the way we teach children about life would be a massive step forward for the future but helping the current generation of sufferers presents more of a challenge. Talking about your problems is always a huge help, as bottling your feelings can lead to you becoming a human volcano of emotion just ready to erupt and that doesn’t often end well. You can talk to friends, family, or a professional, it doesn’t matter — just make sure to open up to someone, somewhere.
It’s just about accepting where you are in your life and reminding yourself that no matter what that entails, it’s okay. Despite what the popular narrative is, the truth is that we are all individual and there is no right or wrong way to live. On average, we have approximately 80 years on this planet. That’s not a long time really — so use that time however you like and give yourself a break. Yes, we’re all constrained by the fact that we need money, but how you earn it and use it is all up to you. The same goes for getting married and having a family; if you want to, great! But if that isn’t for you, also great — and even if you decide you want to, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t matter when either.
Comparison is the thief of joy and it leads to self-loathing, be it because you don’t like your appearance or how your life is panning out. It’s a hidden pandemic and it must be fought, but to be fought effectively it cannot remain hidden any longer. That people constantly hate themselves is indicative of a society that is deeply unhappy with itself, and unless we do something about it now, this problem will only spread further.
Words by Benjamin Hobson
